So, it’s your first date with this person and you’ve nailed the dress, your hair is giving Beyoncé, and your face is serving “main character energy.” You’re ready to charm the pants off them (not literally… or maybe, who knows?), and then, a rebellious strand of efo-riro wedges itself between your teeth like it paid rent.
Congratulations, you’ve just starred in your very own first-date horror story. But fear not, my dear aspiring lovergirl. I’m here to save your date. Keep reading!
1. Spaghetti
Forget what Disney told you about Lady and the Tramp. In real life, spaghetti is a booby trap waiting to ruin your day. The inevitable sauce splatter turns your white dress into a scene from Texas Massacre. Also that seemingly cute seductive slurp? More like the sound effects for a bad ASMR video. Skip the pasta or be ready to paint yourself and your date with pasta sauce.
2. Draw Soup
Okro, ogbono and ewedu might be the pride of Nigerian cuisine but they are also the ultimate weapon against elegance, or steeze as the kids call it these days (Yes, I’m fully leaning into my 30+ era). These soups don’t just stay in your bowl; they perform acrobatics. If you enjoy reenacting Spider-Man scenes with slimy food trails, go ahead. But if not, leave this one for your “I can eat anything in front of you” phase.
3. Shawarma
There’s no elegant way to eat shawarma, period! The bread rips, the sauce drips, and that one rogue piece of chicken always finds its way onto your lap. Sure, it’s tasty, but unless you want to spend half your date looking like a toddler after snack time, let this one go.
4. Suya
Suya itself isn’t the problem… it’s the onions! That crunchy little slice of stank is a certified date killer. One bite, and suddenly your sweet whispers sound like garlic-flavored disturbances. Don’t ruin the vibes; save suya for solo nights where there’d be no judgment.
5. Experimental Food
Trying new food on a first date is like testing a parachute after jumping out of a plane. Best-case scenario? You hate it and have to fake-smile through every bite. Worst case? An allergic reaction, several trips to the toilet, and a story your date will retell forever – but not in a good way. Stick to what you know, because nobody wants to write a statement because they went on a date with you.
Keep It Cute or Starve
Your first date isn’t the time to flex your foodie muscles or show off your ability to eat messy meals with grace. If it can’t be eaten daintily with a fork and knife (or if it might fight back, like pomo and shaki), leave it alone. Trust me, there will be plenty of other dates to show off your love for spaghetti or suya.
Want more dating tips and tricks? Join me on the Dating and Relationship community on Fusion. It’s fun there, I promise!
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